Episode Guide
1.) William: The Reluctant Prince
- Original Airdate: September 7, 2003
- Mini Biography: Born on June 21, 1982, Prince William is the son of Prince Charles and
Princess Diana. Nicknamed "Wills," he is close in line to the throne (after his father), is quite
popular with the ladies, and has become known for wanting to do things his own way as
opposed to tradition.
- Cooking with the Future King: Watch as Prince William turns a respectable paella into a royal
mess. Not the sauce! Not the sauce! Well, there you have it... Chicken a la Prince.
- Totally Titled: His Royal Highness Prince William Arthur Philip Louis Windsor of Wales
- Palace Ps & Qs:
- Do you ever touch the Queen?
- Never touch the Queen.
- What if she falls down?
- She's got people that would help her, but the Queen never falls.
- Is shaking hands OK?
- Yes, but only by two fingers. She's got a lot of hands to shake.
- So, You Want To Be A Princess: You've got to play by the rules. You can't be Catholic, you
can't be divorced unless your ex is dead, and you need permission from the Queen &
parliament.
2.) Charles & Camilla
- Original Airdate: September 14, 2003
- Mini Biography: Camilla Parker Bowles met Prince Charles in 1972 at a polo field at Windsor
Great Park, starting one of the most famous relationships in royal history. Although both
married & had children with other people, the couple has had a 30+ year affair that has drawn
the rath of the British public. However, their image seems to be improving and their ongoing
relationship has finally begun to be accepted.
- Palace Ps & Qs:
- If Prince Charles gives you an awful gift, should you keep it?
- Yes.
- Totally Titled: His Royal Highness Prince Charles Phillip Arthur George Prince of Wales Earl
of Chester Duke of Cornwall Duke of Rothesay Earl of Carrick Barron of Renfrew Lord of the
Isles Prince and Great Stewart of Scotland
- The Royal Purse:
- Being a prince pays nothing.
- Duke of Cornwall owns 5 million acres of commercial and farm land, which brings the
Prince about 17 million dollars a year. A big chunk of that goes to charity and the other
chunk goes to pay 90 staff members who run his household.
- The prince isn't required to pay income taxes, but he does voluntarily... $8 million a
year.
3.) Princess Margaret
- Original Airdate: September 21, 2003
- Mini Biography: Princess Margaret, best known for her wild ways, was born on August 21,
1930 and is the sister of Queen Elizabeth II. Although she was quite popular in her prime,
she was also the subject of quite a few scandals, including one experience with Peter
Townsend where she almost gave up her royal status to marry him. Princess Margaret
passed away on February 9, 2002.
- Totally Title: Princess Margaret's father was King George VI. Before he was King George, he
was Prince Albert. Then his name changed. He was crowned King in 1937 when the Nazis
were a menace and "Albert" apparently sounded a bit too German. His full name was Albert
Arthur Fredrick George, so they stuck the "George" in front and the rest is royal history.
- Palace Ps & Qs:
- What's the worse gaff I could commit at the Queen's dinner table?
- Being sick into your dinner plate, falling asleep or getting blind drunk.
- Any other advice?
- Don't drink out of the finger bowls.
- Monkees vs. Monarchy:
- "Mike Nesmith always wore a hat in public, and so does Queen Elizabeth."
- "Royalty's biggest hit, 'God Save The Queen', Monkees biggest hit, a song that
mentions...'da da da Homecoming Queen...'"
- "'The Monkees' lasted 2 years on network television. The British royal family has an
unbroken line going back 937 years.
4.) Andrew: The Playboy Prince
- Original Airdate: October 12, 2003
- Mini Biography: Prince Andrew, the second son of Queen Elizabeth II, was born in 1960. He
is a military man and got his helicopter pilot's license at the Royal Naval College. He married
Sarah Ferguson in 1986 and has two children, but the couple later divorced after one too
many mishaps. Nowadays, he's one of the world's most eligible bachelors and is frequently
found partying.
- Royalty Revealed: Andrew Morton's first royal job was to track down Andrew & his porn star
girlfriend. The National Enquirer even wanted to lease a submarine!
- Totally Titled: His Royal Highness Prince Andrew The Duke of York Earl of Iverness and
Baron Killyleagh
- Davy's Rhyme: Here comes Duke, mostly royal. Next comes Marcus, then comes Earl.
Viscount's next, finally Baron. By this time we're hardly carin'!
- Monkees vs. Monarchy:
- "In September 1966, The Monkees launched their famous TV series. In September
1966, the Queen launched Britain's first nuclear submarine."
- "Some of the Monkees' biggest hits were written by Neil Diamond. Some of the biggest
diamonds in the world are owned by the Queen."
- "Royalty has their pictures on British stamps. The Monkees were featured on a stamp
of the Russian Republic of Merita."
- The Royal Purse
- Do royals carry money?
- No, but Prince William & Harry do because they live more in the modern world.
- But no the Queen?
- No.
- So is she forbidden to carry money?
- No, she's the Queen, she can do anything she wants!
5.) Sarah Ferguson
- Original Airdate: October 19, 2003
- Mini Biography: After what seemed like a storybook marriage to Prince Andrew, Sarah
Ferguson lost her royal status after their divorce in 1996 and has not become very liked by
those in the palace. Of course, that didn't stop "Fergie" from establishing herself as a
millionaire on her own. She writes books and does commercials & charity work.
- Royalty Revealed: Polo is the passion of princes... Prince Charles met Camilla and Prince
Andrew met Sarah Ferguson at the polo field.
- So, You Want To Be A Princess: First, you must dress the part and have a full wardrobe.
Sarah Ferguson had a dresser (a person, not furniture) who made sure she didn't wear the
same thing twice.
- Monkees vs. Monarchy:
- "The queen has ladies in waiting. The Monkees always had ladies waiting!"
- "I impersonated a prince on episode 21, while William is a prince who just turned 21."
- "Peter Tork. Dutchess of York... Need I say more? I hope not."
- Totally Titled: Sarah, Dutchess of York (she lost "Her Royal Highness" after her divorce)
- Royalty Revealed, Part II: Christmas at the palace is not what you'd expect. Sarah Ferguson
is no longer invited, they open presents on Christmas Eve, and despite their money, give
cheap gifts.
6.) The Trouble with Prince Harry
- Original Airdate: October 26, 2003
- Mini Biography: Prince Harry was born on September 15, 1984 and is the second son of
Charles & Diana. Although he has gotten in quite a bit of trouble for drinking & drug abuse in
the past and enjoys having a good time, Harry seems to be mellowing out. He is following in
his mother's footsteps by visiting charities and his lifelong dream is to become a professional
polo player.
- Royalty Revealed: There are many temptations of a prince... Women, drugs, & prestige. The
royal family are generally light drinkers, except for the Queen Mother.
- Totally Titled: His Royal Highness Prince Harry Charles Albert David Windsor of Wales
- Monkees vs. Monarchy:
- "Mike Nesmith's dog, Frak, once bit Sonny & Cher... No damage! And the Queen
Mum's corgi once bit Queen Elizabeth, requiring three stitches."
- "The Monkees made commercials for Rice Crispies. Sarah Ferguson makes
commercials for Weight Watchers."
- "Edward VIII is the only king of England to abdicate his throne. Micky Dolenz is the only
Monkees who never officially quit the group."
- Royalty Revealed, Part II: Harry is a frequent player of the wall game, which is a cross
between football, rugby, and all-out war.
- So, You Want To Be A Princess: If you're not already a royal, you must marry a prince. Also,
you can get a official royal title. Anyone can be nominated or you can buy certain names, but
they won't give you access past Buckingham Palace's gates.
7.) Prince Philip
- Original Airdate: November 2, 2003
- Mini Biography: Prince Philip is the husband of Queen Elizabeth II and was born on June 10,
1921. He and the Queen married on November 20, 1947 and have been together ever since
with four children and six grandchildren. Although he left the Navy in 1951, he still checks in
every once & a while to remain involved.
- So, You Want To Be A Princess: "If you can't be a princess, you can work for a princess.
Buckingham Palace accepts applications for everything from footmen to fireman. You can fill
out an application on the palace web site. The pay is not that wonderful, but the titles can be.
Yeoman of the Glass and China Pantry, Lady of the Bedchamber, Gentleman Usher of the
Black Rod, Mistress of the Robes. It starts to sound a bit kinky, doesn't it? Or maybe you
just be a page. Now there are pages of the pantry, pages of the Queen, pages of the Prince,
pages of the back stairs. That last lot got their name because they used to be in charge of
sneaking in the Prince's mistresses. It was all in a day's work."
- Totally Titled: Queen of England Her Most Excellence Majesty Elizabeth the Second
By the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and Her
Other Realms and Territories Queen Head of the Commonwealth Defender of the Faith
- Palace Ps & Qs:
- What are corgis anyway?
- Small Welsh dogs originally used to rounding up sheep.
- Well, if they're so awful, why would anyone wanna keep them around?
- So the staff can tell when the Queen is coming (paws on floor & "yap, yap, yap")
- Who feeds these little nasties?
- The Queen.
- But does she scoop?
- She's very "hands on."
- So, You Want To Be A Princess: Be ready for some often boring filled-up daily schedules of
ceremonies, sporting events, & tours.
8.) Diana's Butler Speaks
- Original Airdate: November 16, 2003
- Mini Biography: In 2003, Paul Burrell, Princess Diana's trusted butler released a tell-all book
of the secret struggles & lies that Diana faced before here untimely death. Of course, the
royal family sees this public sharing of such private details as an unacceptable betrayal, while
Burrell calls it a tribute to the fascinating woman he got to know over her final decade of life.
- Royalty Revealed: Diana often found Paul as a nuisance. They did become close later in her
life, but not like Paul claims.
- Historical Note: Davy hardly appeared in this episode. The executive producer later said that
this occured due to the need to get this episode on the air in a rush. They wanted to
capitalize on the popularity of Paul Burrell's book.
9.) Princess Diana
- Original Airdate: November 23, 2003
- Mini Biography: Diana Spencer was born on July 1, 1961. She married Prince Charles in
1981, but from day one the couple had a rocky marriage and eventually divorced in 1996.
Winning the hearts of millions around the world, Diana spent a lot of her time doing charity
work until her unexpected death from a car accident in August 1997.
- Royalty Revealed: Diana once turned away from a photgrapher and walked away holding a
mirror in front of her to see him behind her.
- So, You Want To Be A Princess: You'll need a castle. The Queen has 10 residences!
- The Royal Purse: The Queen has 300 staff, 10 palaces, spends $750,000 a year on garden
parties, & has an annual bill of $150,000 for wine. Still, she often goes around at night to shut
off lights and even reuses dress decorations!
- Royalty Revealed, Part II: Andrew Morton wrote his book on Diana because she wanted to
show her true self. She was tired of being viewed as a fashion queen.
- Monkees vs. Monarchy:
- "Micky Dolenz & I both appeared in the musical, "Grease." Before he married Queen
Elizabeth, Prince Phillip was the prince of Greece."
- "Somebody recently bought the red GTO MonkeeMobile for $5,000. The Queen recently
received the custom Bentley limosine costing an estimated £5 million."
- "Few remember Carole King wrote several Monkees songs. And few remember who the
last king of England was... It was George VI, by the way."
- Royalty Revealed, Part III: All of the royals ignore what the press says about them with the
exception of Sarah Ferguson & Princess Diana.
- Palace Ps & Qs:
- What does the Queen carry in her handbag?
- Lipstick & a hanky! It's a big palace, you know!
10.) Edward & Sophie: Cash vs. Crown
- Original Airdate: December 7, 2003
- Mini Biography: Prince Edward, Queen Elizabeth's son, and his wife, Sophie, have been the
subject of many scandals over the past few years. They tried to break away from the royal
family and survive on their own, but they couldn't escape the British press. From letting out
royal secrets to filming Prince William at school, they have stirred up quite a bit of media
attention.
- Palace Ps & Qs:
- How are the royals when they're not in the public eye?
- They're very relaxed amongst each other.
- How are they when they hang out?
- They're not like us. They never eat in the kitchen and the most "normal" they get
is when they have barbeques.
- What about the stiff upper lip?
- I hope they all scream and shout at each other. It's like a big soap opera.
- Totally Titled: Her Royal Highness Princess Edward of the United Kingdom of Great Britain
and Northern Ireland Countess of Wessex and Viscountess Severn
- Royalty Revealed: Edward and Sophie are always put in separate rooms when they visit the
Queen. Once, Andrew tried to sneak to see Sophie, but one of the dogs scared him away.
- Cash in the Crown: Who will win the "Monarch of Money" title based on scandalous press
coverage and royal status? Sophie!
- Royalty Revealed, Part II: Since Edward dropped out of the military, the Queen made him
honorary kernal and chief of two minor regiments.
11.) Wife For Wills
- Original Airdate: December 21, 2003
- Mini Biography: Since turning 21 in the summer of 2003, Prince William has become the
world's top royal bachelor. Now, the question is who will be his future bride? Another royal?
An American celebrity? An international supermodel? Also, will she be able to handle the
pressures of constantly being in the spotlight?
- Royalty Revealed: Royal weddings are different from our's... The wedding band is made of
rare welsh gold, their is no best man (instead, they have supporters), the bride must curtsy to
the queen after saying "I do," and after the ceremony, they go back to the palace for lunch.
- So, You Want To Be A Princess: Inheritance is a major part of life for Prince William. He will
obtain money, property, and the Queen's fortune.
- Palace Ps & Qs:
- If you date a prince, what do you call him?
- Sir, until you get married.
- What about kiss on first date?
- It's not out of the question... Nowadays, they may even go farther than that.
- If you meet the parents, what does that mean?
- You're in a serious relationship.
- Royalty Revealed, Part II: The Queen has a large art collection, with 40,000 paintings and
drawings. One time, William asked her to help him with an art project for school.
- Monkees vs. Monarchy:
- King Henry VIII had 6 wifes. That's 3 less than The Monkees have had... at least so far.
- The opening for the first Monkees tour was Jimi Hendrix. Jimi Hendrix often opened his
set with "God Save The Queen."
- In one episode of "The Monkees" TV show, we tried to hijack the Queen Elizabeth. In
real life, Queen Elizabeth's never tried to hijack a Monkees performance... Please stop
making me say these things. Please, I'm begging you. No more Monkees vs. Monarchy.
12.) Princesses of Europe
- Original Airdate: December 28, 2003
- Mini Biography: Don't think that England is the only place in with beautiful & controversal
princesses. Europe is full of lesser known princess who are sometimes just as normal as we
are except, well... they're royal, ensuring that the press will super-size it and broadcast
whatever they can to the world.
- Palace Ps & Qs:
- Is it OK to go to a ball as a streaker?
- There wasn't royalty present at the time, and that's my excuse.
- Were you wearing white gloves?
- No, I wore a string of pearls.
- And a tiara?
- No, I didn't have a tiara. I did it as a bet.
- So, You Want To Be A Princess: Princess Diana holds the record for the largest liable
payout to a royal. It was $122,000. Princess Caroline of Monaco's family sues one
publication 6 or 7 times a year. She collected about a half million dollars in one year.
- Royalty Revealed: No member of European Royalty exposes more of themselves than
Princess Stephanie of Monaco. Instead of charity photos, she stripped down for a almost
nude photo shoot.
- Royalty Revealed, Part II: When the Romanian King of the Gypsies married off his daughter,
he almost lost thousands of dollars spent on the wedding when she stormed out. She came
back, but refused to look at the groom. This was all caused by the fact that the Princess was
only 12 years old.
- Kissing Cousins: Some would like to see Sweden's Princess Victoria marry Prince Nicholas
of Greece, but they're actually 2nd cousins.
13.) Princes of Europe
- Original Airdate: January 4, 2004
- Mini Biography: Hey ladies... are British princes not your thing? No need to worry, because
Europe's other princes are just as exciting & eligible. They may not be as famous, but they
sure stir up enough news in their native countries!
- Totally Titled: Prince Ernst August Albert Paul Otto Rupprecht Oskar Berthold Ferdinand
Friedrich Christian-Ludwig of Hanover
- Bachelor Royale:
- Prince Nikolaos of Greece's catchability rating: 5
- Prince Andrea of Monaco's catchability rating: 8
- Prince Felipe of Spain's catchability rating: 0
- Royalty Revealed: The Almanach De Gotha is the "who's who" os European royals.
- Kissing Cousins: Felipe of Spain and Prince William are third cousins.
- Royalty Revealed, Part II: Who should have the throne in France? There's a been a debate for
centuries that has still yet to be resolved.
- Monkees vs. Monarchy:
- "Carole King co-wrote The Monkees' hit, "Pleasant Valley Sunday." King Carl has had
many pleasant sundays ruling Sweden for more than 30 years."
- "In the first episodes of "The Monkees," we rescued Princess Bettina of Harmonica. In
real life, Princess Margaret once complained she needed rescuing from screaming
Monkees fans who were were keeping her from sleeping."
- "Monaco is a principality. The Monkees are princely pals with each other... That's a
stretch isn't it? Material gettin' a bit thin, is it? Who writes this stuff?!?"
14) American Royality
- Original Airdate: Unaired
- Mini Biography: America may not necesarily have a royal family, but we sure have those that
stir up enough trouble for us to gossip over time and time again. We've got our own brand of
everything that Europe's royalty has. Money, beauty, lies... it's all here in the USA.
- Historical Note: This episode was originally scheduled for January 25, 2004, but was pulled at
the last minute.
15.) Unknown
- Original Airdate: Unaired
16.) Unknown
- Original Airdate: Unaired
